Comparing Trauma in the High Risk Community

Being a community means never judging someone’s struggle. Including your own.

“I brought home a baby and that mother didn’t"

“Some women are on bedrest their entire pregnancy, it was only a few months for me.”

Do either of these statements sound even remotely familiar? Because recently we have discovered a divide in the IC community. The problem with comparing your trauma to others is that though everyone’s pain may look different, it is still in fact pain. And by being afraid to speak about yours, you are denying yourself the very validation and support you need to heal from yours.

On one side we have moms shaming themselves because they feel their stories aren’t significant to share. Like the quotes above from two separate mothers who both suffered from an incompetent cervix. These mamas were afraid to step up and say anything out of fear of being judged because they simply have their babies in their arms.

It seems so easy when we are in the raw turmoil that is our trauma to step outside of it and realize that what some of those success stories leave out, is the grueling journey it took to get there. Successful or not, every single member of this community has fought in one way or another for the same cause, for their child. Some of us have lost that battle and will forever bear those scars. Just as others will always bear the scars of their battle they were fortunate enough to survive.

Personally, when I started this campaign, I myself was trauma comparing. I have never experienced a second-trimester loss. I do however have 3 angel babies. The thing I didn’t address when sharing my story (out of concern that I might worry other mothers) is the fact that I am no longer even able to have children due to the damage done to my cervix after a cerclage removal gone wrong. I almost lost my life giving birth to my 3rd and final rainbow baby. I don’t talk about the premature rupture of membranes that caused her to come a month early or the developmental delay that came from her technically being a preemie. We fought every single day of my pregnancy for her and now she is fighting every day to catch up.

Someone recently was talking about this very subject and was feeling attacked for being a success story and an advocate for IC. The general attitude was “you have a baby, what are you complaining about.” The dangerous part about this kind of attitude in this community is that it lessens another family’s pain. What people don’t see about this courageous advocate is the fact that she also suffers from infertility. So to already be told it will be hard to conceive, to being told it will be almost impossible to carry to term unassisted is a kind of shock many of us any only imagine.

I think as a community we all understand the heat of the moment or the complete and utter brain fog that comes with trauma and/or loss. It’s easy enough to make snap judgments in those moments. Knowing that and being able to be accountable and continue to support each other is where we will see the changes this community deserves. Everyone deserves to be listened to. Every last family affected by an incompetent cervix deserves to have the support of the families that at least know how the condition can affect every last aspect of your life.

Let’s build a better community. Together we are all stronger.